WarningMight contain spoilers.

Terrible. I imagine this is what an AI-produced film would feel like—from the premise, to the screenplay, to the dialogue, to the direction. It pains me to say Owen Wilson has never been less charismatic: Charlie is bland, boring, and unappealing. The story is brainless and vapid, with conflict presumably defined in percentages in the screenplay.[1] Needless to say, Marry Me fails singularly in its desperate quest to be a Notting Hill for the modern age.

Jennifer Lopez isn’t playing a character so much as an inhumanly saccharine cipher who can never stop trying to be sexy. One could be forgiven for thinking her manager Colin’s comment about the industry not being kind to women over 35 might signify a story with more on its mind, but, as with Kat’s sex tape having been leaked—something J.Lo herself was the victim of and could have been expected to care deeply about—it’s designed to give the appearance of thoughtfulness without requiring the effort. I must say, I would have been happy to see more of Colin and less of everyone else.

The music is insipid, uninspired, and forgettable, to boot. Where is the J.Lo whose songs still fill me with joy two decades later? Why is she mouthing along to this soulless, overproduced tripe that hardly even qualifies as music? There’s still plenty of good music out there today, but… this ain’t it.

  1. ‘Charlie might be expressing 6% too much emotion here, let’s dial that back down to blankness.’